


Tony's serum, Peter's Tit, and Steve's Ass.

by ArbusVanPoe



Category: Marvel
Genre: Crack, Gen, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, Sassy Jarvis, Superfamily, just complete crack, there is no explanation for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 00:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1367911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArbusVanPoe/pseuds/ArbusVanPoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Um... I don't even know... I found an RP conversation me and my best friend had like... last year, over a gif of Robert Downey from a movie I don't really recall, and decided to edit it a little because I'm having writers block for my other story. Again. I don't really know...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony's serum, Peter's Tit, and Steve's Ass.

                “No Gwen, he did not…” Tony stopped walking into the kitchen so he could shamelessly listen in on his teenage son’s conversation. “Okay so what he groped my chest, no big deal, that’s life.” He laughed. “Yes Gwen, I will be over shortly to discuss the tit grab.” He hung up and Tony walked into the kitchen.

                “Oh hey dad,” Peter smiled throwing his bag over his shoulder. “I’m going to Gwens-”

                “Guy grabs your tit. That’s life no biggie?” Tony raised his eyebrows. Peter blushed,

                “Um… I don’t really have-”

                “It’s a fucking biggie!” Tony exploded.

                “Dad, I’m not even-” Peter scratched the back of his neck confused.

                “What kind of people are you hanging out with anyway!?”

                “Pop!” Peter called out feeling just the slightest bit cornered by his eccentric scientist father.

                “That’s it, I knew you wore your pants too low, and your shirts were too tight,” Tony sounded like these factors cause Peter’s untimely death, rather than nothing at all because he was a teenage boy with absolutely nothing to flaunt!

                “Dad seriously?” Peter moved to the fridge to grab a soda and Tony cut him off, leaning against it.

                “You were always a good kid Peter, I think you are drinking way to much Mt. Dew. That’s the cause of all of this.”

                “Dad c’mon get a grip.”

                “When I tell Steve, you will see why that shield won against Thor’s hammer!” Tony then began to mutter, pacing the kitchen.

                “Dad, what are you going on about now? Are you alright?”

                “Turtlenecks.” He said calmly, not looking up.

                “What?” Peter furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head.

                “TURTLENEEEEEEEECKS!!!!!” He shouted madly.

                “Seriously, what are you going on about, if you are talking about me, I’m not wearing a turtle neck, it’s June.”

                “I don’t care I did not raise a slut! Jarvis, order some, all of them.”

                “Really? Dad seriously?”

                “You are you grounded mister, you are lucky I don’t send you to a nunnery!”

                “There seriously is something wrong with you, I don’t know what you are going off about, I’m a sixteen year old boy, and my clothes aren’t even that ti-”

                “Your father is the only one that can wear skin tight things around here young man! And that is because…” he spun around glaring at Peter who was trying not to laugh. “Why Peter?”

                “Oh God, not the justice bit again…” Peter groaned.

“I’m waiting Peter,” Tony crossed his arms and tapped his toes.

“Because he stands for justice.” Peter mumbled.

“What?” Tony tilted his head and raised his eyebrows waiting.

“Because he stands for justice, Dad, Okay?! God can I just go to Gwen’s now!?”

“Why does everything in this tower end with justice?” Jarvis’ sarcastic computerized voice rang out. Jarvis asks these questions often, and almost never gets in answer.

“Where is Pop?” Tony wasn’t going to end whatever this was anytime soon, and Peter needed back up, from his Pop, who was clueless of this whole ordeal.

                “I mean for god sake Peter, you inherit an ass like your pops but that doesn’t mean you can show it off!”

                “Hey guys, what’s going on?” Steve said strolling into the kitchen pulling his ear buds out and wrapping them around his iPod.

                “Uh, nothing Dear, right Peter?” Tony said giving Peter a pointed look. It was the look that he gave him when he was in trouble, but he was going to be the good parents and keep it to himself. Peter  glared back at him crossing his arms and matching his stance.

                “Dad says I have tits,” He said not taking his eyes off Tony, who had the nerve to look surprised.

                “Excuse me?” Steve choked on his water, sputtering it everywhere.

                “And your ass too… apparently….” Peter turned to see his Pop leaning over the sink still choking.

                “That was a compliment Peter,” Tony said rolling his eyes. “Geeze.”

                “I. What.” Steve had recovered from his water inhalation but not from the general shock over the words coming out of his son’s mouth. “To our son!?” He said finally registering what Tony had said. Something obviously very inappropriate had gone down just moments before, while Steve was downstairs sparring with Clint.

                “Nothing Steve, never mind, go practice your chorus line,” Tony grunted.

                “Why do you yell so much?” Peter smirked, sensing his father’s discomfort.

                “Why is it always Steve and Peter vs. Tony all the time? I do what I want, I’ll yell if I want to yell.” Tony muttered to himself.

                “What is going on?” Steve finally exclaimed completely confused.

“Wade grabbed Peter’s ‘Tit’ sir,” Jarvis announced.

                “Great, blown in by the house. Awesome. I’ll be in my room.” Peter called out to the ceiling sarcastically. “Thank you Jarvis.”

                “Excuse me?” Steve furrowed his eyebrows even more confused than before.

                “Yeah that’s right! Go to your room!” Tony said snapping out of his inner monologue.

                “I was going there anyway!” Peter shouted over his shoulder as he moved down the hall.

                “And stay there until you learn to stop being a slut!” Tony continued to yell like Peter hadn’t spoken.

                “Was planning on living there ‘till college!”

                “I’ll tell you when you can come out!” Tony screamed louder.

                “Tony, Tony, you lost Babe,” Steve said soothingly patting his back. “Just let it go Tony.”

                “I can’t! Do you see how he was dressed! And do NOT get me started on his bee costume!”

                “Honey, it’s a Spider,” Steve tried not to laugh. “He’s Spiderman, you know arachnid.”

                “Shut up Steve, like you’re an expert, Arachnids didn’t exist in the 1920’s.”

                “Are you drunk?”

                “No.”

                “Whatever you say,” Steve’s tone dripping with skepticism.

                “Shut up, I’m going to go blow things up with Bruce!”

\--

               

                “Tony?” he heard Steve calling him from down the hall.

                “Yes?” He came out of their bedroom and met him at the front door.

                “Tony, why are there fifty boxes signed to the tower that say turtleneck?”

                “Oh those are for Peter dear.”

                “All of them!?” Steve glanced over the array of boxes once more.

                “Would you be so kind as to get Thor to help you bring them up to his room?” Tony turned towards the kitchen. “Thor!” He turned back to Steve, “And get rid of the rest of his clothes.”

                “What are you… what is….” Steve was at a complete loss for words.  Tony ignored him, pulling his phone out of his back pocket to review his UPS tracking map.

                “The parachute pants should arrive tomorrow, and loafers, knee high socks, Mormon underwear, his chastity belt-”

                “Okay Tony, you are joking right.” Steve raised his eyebrows hopefully, looking at his apparently cracked husband, he just met his eyes with a blank look. He just stood there silently.

                “What are all these boxes for?” Peter pausing on his way to the kitchen.

                “Wear them for the freedom Peter!” Tony exclaimed throwing his hands in the air.

                “The end of your social life,” Steve shook his head solemnly. “I’ll try to talk him out of it… but you know your father.”

                “You know, last week I saved the city from a giant lizard man, you think that would earn me SOMETHING.” Peter sighed.

                “He’s got a point,” Steve said looking over at Tony.

                “No.” Tony shoved his phone back into his pocket and stood up on a box. “I could have done it if I wasn’t ironing your suit Steve. You could help around the house sometime.”

                “How did this-”

                “Even discipline our son,” Tony crossed his arms again.

                “Dad, the last time you left Pop alone with an electrical appliance he burned down half the tower.”

                “Back in my day-” Steve said straitening up taller.

                “Oh God here we go…” Peter groaned, and, feeling small himself stepped up on another box. “Jarvis had to use a fire extinguisher, you know, the computer Pop! You remember this Dad!?”

                “I’m sorry I just didn’t see how the microwave could just heat something up in thirty seconds!”

“Back in my day it took twenty minutes and an open fire to make mac n’ cheese!” Peter impersonated his father with a deep booming, old man voice. “It’s easy, you put the plate in the microwave, you press three, then zero and hit start. Or next time tell Jarvis what you are making, he will help you! It’s not that hard!”

“I didn’t trust the appliance!”

“Pop the appliance will not lie to you, unless it is the toaster, okay?” Peter stepped down and took Steve’s hand gently and ever so condescendingly, like he was talking to a small child. “The only reason the toaster lies, is because the more toast you make the hotter the settings get.”

“Peter, you don’t need to speak to me like-”

“No, no,” Tony said stepping down from his box and pushing Peter back, looking up at Steve with soft hurt eyes. “Toasters lie. All the time… my poor strudel…” Tony stuck out his lower lip and it trembled.

“Please tell me I’m adopted.” Peter went into a flash back of the strudel incident. Tony had practically climbed into the back of the freezer to find the last strudel and put it in, not knowing Thor had just made a eight Poptarts just moments before. It had burst into flames and he and Steve panicked trying to put it out. Steve, ripped it from the wall and threw it into the sink, and though he will deny it until the day he dies, had shouted “Die Commie!” as he doused it with water.

“No, we used modern science son,” Tony smirked pulling Peter out of ‘Nam.

“You say that every time Aunt May comes over-” Peter said stepping back up onto the box.

“Yes Tony, I believe you insult Aunt May when you do that.” Steve agreed.

                “Doesn’t she remind you of someone?” Tony said changing the subject a bit.

                “Hm, not that I know of…” Steve said scratching his chin thoughtfully.

                “No, no, she does… you know that movie where that guy dresses up as an old woman and pretends to be a nanny so he can see his kids after the divorce?”

                “Robin Williams,” Peter suggested half-heartedly.

                “No,” Steve says shaking his head. “The flying nun?”

                “What? No,” Tony groaned. “Go back to WWII Steve!”

                “Well tell us how you really feel,” Steve said sarcastically.

                “Wait that actress, yeah, close, better…”

                “I think you are thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire sir.” Jarvis spoke.

                “No! Not the movie! The actress!”

                “Mara Wilson,” Jarvis had to be messing with him.

                “Genie? Wait. No. That’s that animated picture Fella.” Steve muttered.

                “Dad, that’s the lion king,” Peter said seriously, all for the fun of messing with him.

                “Never mind, forget it,” Tony grumbled.

                “Oh, poor Mufasa,” Steve sighed placing his hand over his heart and looking up to the ceiling sadly.

                “Bill Cosby,” Jarvis called out.

                “Bill Cos- Bill Cosby, really Jarvis!?”

                “That’s it, adopted, I’m adopted.”

                “I jest sir” Jarvis said addressing a red faced Tony.

                “Peter would you stop saying that! You are just like me!” Tony took him by the shoulders and gave him a light shake.

                “Oh God, Ohhhhhhhhh God.” Peter pushed his father’s hands off him and stepped backwards off the box.

                “Is there any need to insult the boy sir?” Jarvis asked, which made Tony wonder if Peter had hacked into the system and turned Jarvis into some sort of Sassy bitch. Which is unacceptable, because Tony, was the only sassy bitch allowed.

                “THANKYOU Jarvis!” Peter exclaimed.

“Jarvis, I think you need a tune up,” Tony suggesting threateningly.

                “Master Peter, you are just like your brilliant father,” sometimes it was creepy how human Jarvis could be.  He lowered his voice and added, “Steve.”

                “I heard that!” Tony shouted.

                “Heard what,  are you hearing things sir?” Jarvis asked.

                “Pop, why don’t you take me to school!?”

                “Yeah, sounds good, let’s go!” Steve opened the front door and hurried his son out before Tony had time to realize it was a Saturday. The door shut and the whole tower was silent. Tony stood there thoughtfully and finally spoke,

                “Sally Fields!”

                “Gold star sir,” Jarvis congratulated, and Tony, very pleased with himself stepped up onto a box and waved his fists in the air full of victory.

                “Are you drunk?” Bruce asked walking out of the kitchen.

                “No.” Tony said dropping his hands.

                “A little?” Bruce looked up at him raising his eyebrows.

                “Yeah… a little, it’s a serum I made.” Tony dropped his head.

                “I’ve been waiting for two days for you to admit you messed up, come on, I have the antidote downstairs.” Bruce took his hand and help him down, gently leading his science bro back to the lab.


End file.
